Foam: all is quiet, on New Year’s Day

20140101-194434.jpg

Venue: Foam
Date: 01 January 2014
Location: Oxford St, Leederville, Perth
Price: Average, but extras add up

All really is quiet on New Year’s Day, in Perth.

Following the Very Forgettable Fire(works) of NYE courtesy of Perth Trott (the four-legged, not done in with an ice-pick, kind) Club, a leisurely brunch was called for. After some directionless banter about pastries versus full-on brunch, we collected mother and sister and began in earnest a reconnaissance for New Year’s Day spots.

Perth, in spite of its boomtown period, has a strange, anaemic aversion to non-1950’s trading hours. Thus, in the state that voted for curtains & cows and against daylight saving, we had suspected that most joints would be closed (in spite of the abundance of backpacker labour who’d be happy to earn a hundred bucks or two). Being the thinking-sort, we phoned ahead to check for signs of life, but weren’t prepared for the stoney silence that greeted us.

20140101-194359.jpg

Star Trek themed coffee failed to beam me up

One by one, every venue we called rang out or went through to a Big Lebowski messaging service. Even backup locales such as the firmly capitalist John Street Café in Cottesloe ignored our cries for satiation. I now know how the curiosity rover on Mars must feel: but at least it gets to feed on rocks.

We did a few bog laps around Newcastle St in Northbridge in vain search of greasyspoons, but to no avail. We even passed a number of tattooed gents on their walk of shame (one guy who looked like Angry Anderson was flailing his arms around as he walked along, in a presumably ironic attempt to convince taxi drivers he was good for the fare). It looked like 2014 was the year of the Hunger Games and we were left without even a culinary Kalashnikov.

After ranting Kanye West style for five minutes in a sound proof parked car for the benefit of onlookers, we relented and hopped over to Leederville, our low expectations dragging like ‘just married’ tin cans behind the Camry.

Leederville ebbs and flows with a distinct flavour of sort-of hipster. The Oxford St strip has changed somewhat since we last tried to look cool down its mismatched facades: that icon of late-night and Sunday coffee, Café 130, was gone in a puff of tax restructuring; the anonymous mediocrity on the corner beside the Leederville hotel had been replaced by Grill’d, a more tasteful meat market.

VENUE

There’s not much to say really that can’t be said by googling “generic”. The Café 130 geodesics remain, though the sticky leather couches have been replaced by something non-descript.

20140101-194415.jpg

Foaming at the mouth

SERVICE

You order at the counter here – they’ve retained the self-help vibe. Pleasant staff who laboured with good-will as I interrogated them about the types of bread on offer.

SEGUE – A NOTE ABOUT VISUAL HYGIENE

20140101-194317.jpg

A Grand(faux) pas, aka “lycrass”

The epic war between those who wear (and thus approve of) lycra and the rest of us subjected to its visual napalm entered another chapter half-way through the ordering process. A fairly typical 40-something, clinging onto self-esteem through the facade of fitness, strutted around, Judge Brack (Ibsen) style, like “the only cock in the yard”, spoiling an unremarkable but non-penile view that I was enjoying just fine. Let’s face it, we don’t want to see the gestalt-bollock, that Henry Moore (but far from morish) bulge of the ball-sack, at any time really – least of all when knocking back luke-warm lattes. Save it for the apocalypse..wait, no, save it for after the apocalypse when we’re all running around as in The Road in search of protein with no sense of judgment.

FOOD

Avo on toast with smoked salmon

Not much to say about this dish either, other than that it occurred on New Year’s Day. One point to note was that the bread – I think it was this – was incredibly sweet, at John Candy levels. Whatever they put in the sourdough, it wasn’t sour, which, while not terrible, did clash with the salmon.

20140101-194347.jpg

Sweet-bread, very Tudor of them

Eggs on toast

Minnie continued her minimalist journey into the world of Philip Glass with some very ordinary eggs on toast. But it was still open and that really counts.

20140101-194327.jpg

COFFEE

Luke and the Warms were playing funny-buggers with the thermostat again. However, consistent with our trip to Perth, the flavour was noice.

VERDICT

Rating: OPEN ON NEW YEAR’S DAY…BUT THAT WON’T SAVE YOU

Score: 2.8/5

Quote: “That guy in lycra could do with a red light”

Overall…it was open. Beyond that, I’d only return to Foam if I had to smash the proverbial glass in case of hunger. But it has some ok ratings on Urbanspoon so perhaps all is not lost.

Foam Coffee Bar on Urbanspoon

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: